this is such a rough space to be in-- at wit's end, at the beginning of a sunrise but separation anxiety lingers in my throat because of the way the moon used to love me. i'm looking back at an old situation where fires were lit consistently and only extinguished with ice. we coated the lacerations in honey and hoped it would dry by the morning, only to reveal the same wound. this ain't a new rodeo for me. heartbreak is a melody that's jumped my bones and lived within my skin before. i just wish it wasn't so....present. i wish it didn't vibrate. the memories, the hope, the sadness. pulsating reminders of pain. being in love, and falling in love even quicker, can be beautiful. it can reveal yourself to yourself in ways you never thought existed. i just didn't recognize myself when i was revealed. and because of that, a lot of wars were fought.
but, it is what it is. i'm in the process of healing from a beautiful and toxic situation. and i know many of you have been here before. writing helps me to push through the storming winds of emotion and to pen the logic that still dimly exists (somewhere) within me. with my exhale, i hope it brings you new air to breathe.
•• the art of letting go ••
• it happened. (it is what it is.) it happened. accept it. step one is always acceptance. accept the beautiful moments and accept the pain. accept the flaws of yourself and of the other person. this is also a testament of the love. if you can walk away still craving to lick every flaw instead of condemning them, then know the love was real. the love is still present. feed your spirit with the fact it still exists. this soul water will keep you going.
• forgive. i say this a lot, because it's a testament to the love i have to give. infinite waters. forgiving is so pertinent to growth. it breaks the chains of your past. it destructs negativity, and transfers the energy into positive forces. it makes room for love and light to fill you. truss me, daddi.
• be grateful. after the rain of my anger, i was able to see what i did wrong. i attributed a lot to the toxicity because of my lack of self. i reacted to disrespect. i instigated arguments due to lack of trust. i wasn't supportive during waves of my resentment. it was a mess. but looking back, i'm grateful for this person being in my life. i could kiss the sky a million times for the joy i feel when good memories tiptoe across my mind-- reminders of honey and milk. when it was sweet, it was sweet. in the present, though it stings, i'm grateful for where i am now after the situation. i am growing and healing and evolving into a woman i've been meant to be for a loooooooooooong time. soulmates are sent to you to show you and bring you to lessons you were supposed to learn. if you didn't learn anything, you're going to go through the same situation all over again. the universe knows. i'm grateful i understood this time around.
• "to feel is to be." so feel whole and you will be whole. remind yourself that you have yourself. always. so with that you must do the past steps- you must be at peace with yourself to give yourself the support and love you deserve. be ya own best friend. the rides that bring us back to ourselves :: healing.
• plant seeds in the fire. meaning, it's important to just be in the present moment and grow from this experience. don't think in the future. don't give yourself anxiety thinking about hope to get back together, don't give yourself anxiety thinking about who they're interacting with, etc. this might seem harsh but at this point i fully believe in "let go & let god". be present and focused on you. take what you are meant to take from this experience. plant the seeds.
• healing for you/we all heal differently. refrain from checking in on your ex to see what they're doing every moment of the day. stop twatching. don't try and peep. i had to engrain this into my mind. digging around for gold in a coal mine will have you fucked up. you'll keep finding coal. you'll keep collecting dust. you'll keep breathing in toxic air. if they're out there wildin', clubbing, doing the most, just remember that we all heal differently. don't judge them, don't take the time and try to concoct a scenario in your mind that just ends up devaluing you as a lover or as a person. don't overthink it. of course, some healing tactics are just a psychological cry for help. they're more than likely just as hurt as you. they're more than likely choking on tears just as much as you. but this isn't the time to dwell on the other. this is time to focus on you and your healing. love from a distance and understand everyone heals differently.
• turn your hobbies to a hustle. i'm doing this currently. i'm so focused on my goals and my dreams that i really don't want to have the time to dwell in the past or be sad. of course, i understand that to grow from it means to g(r)o(w) through it. but distractions are only distractions if you aren't consciously making an effort to let go and evolve. turn your hobbies to a hustle. master your craft. you have extra energy now to do so. manipulate the energy into some dolla dolla bills. be better for yourself. i know working on things and doing creative work fills me so much. the joy i feel whilst and after something is completed gives me a natural high. become a workaholic when it comes to your art and your healing. pick up going back to yoga, lifting, etc. release endorphins and keep the cyclical plus vibes going. pain is a great motivator when you understand the beauty that comes from the other side. be consistent and watch those fire seeds turn into a money tree.
• where there is rain, there is sun. if it isn't easy to just accept and take it as is, remember the toxicity. if you really want to let go, it's easier to do so when you remember the things that made it be the way it was. i don't really like doing this because i'd rather grow in the pain than try to re-live it, but i do know the power in remembering what exactly it is i do NOT want to repeat/ go back to in a future relationship. your friends might be good at helping you with this. (lol.) good friends peep game when it comes to people who collide with your energy. they see from the eye on the outside- i would suggest hitting up a few soul brothas and sistas and ask them their honest opinion about the past relationship. ask them your faults first, then ask them what they thought overall. they can probably lend you some real advice about what you need to check your energy on (and probably remind you of the fucksh*t you don't need to be entertaining in the future.) it's always good to have positive love around you. let them know how you feel, ask them their opinion, and they might be a naked eye when yours seems a little cloudy with heart trauma.
• know your worth. you shouldn't have to beg for love. i found myself pleading for someone to be vulnerable with me, to love me the way i wanted them to love me. and looking back, i wasted a lot of precious energy in doing so. i lost myself in the process of finding you type shit. because this person just did not love me the way i wanted to be loved, when i wanted to be loved, i became so resentful and so angry. it's easy to fall into an abyss. sometimes we fall before we even get to choose a name for it. don't beg someone to know your worth or value. if they don't peep, restrain and keep your opal soul for yourself or until someone comes around that kisses every light beam within you.
• exhaling. you will be okay. you are okay. it's okay to still love. it's okay to still feel. it's okay to love again. because you will. i will. whether it's the soulmate or another. pain is natural and you are okay. it takes rain to grow a flower.
• confirmations. if it's meant to be..... yea. y'all know. this will be a testament to the love. time, reflection, forgiveness heals all. letting go is hard, but there is infinite love on the other side. remember this.
love and light.