i've died a lot in this lifetime. i have been reborn under a new sun many times. for me, death came at the exchange of keeping relationships alive. i attribute a lot of my growth because of the situations with people that have transpired throughout my life. through the understanding of others i have come to know myself. and through knowing myself, i have been able to connect with others. this lesson explains my findings on building/maintaining relationships with others through the relationship we have with ourselves.
we are all living beings, who require an ecosystem to flourish into our full skins, a maximized potential, a prayer with flesh. to limit ourselves to a (curated) environment that inhibits our needs and access to the resources that allow this growth to take place is plucking any possibility at the root and leaving it to perish. i've avoided responsibility for so long and seen many parts of me dim, wither, and die because of my delusional need to keep toxic relationships alive. including the one with myself.
recognizing that i am at the root of all experiences, relationships, and seasons in my life helped me to understand the core rootwork that must take place. instead of blaming others for toxicity in my life, i must check myself and my own energy at the door before i pass out scarlet letters. my eyes have seen many dark corners. my mind has harvested storms. my laughter has been torched by my own hand. i remember shadows of sadness that became an addiction, a wine to become drunk, a lie that tasted like a sweet truth. looking back, i was the maker of my own destruction. we allow ourselves to wither, and from that space inside of us energy projects itself into our physical reality. foul odors emanate from our aura and we attract everything we hate in ourselves. and then we blame others. we blame circumstance. we blame god. and i got tired of cutting my tongue every time i fixed my mouth to curse a force outside of me.
stagnancy becomes a disease + a pollutant to your seeds when you avoid your own internal soil. i felt barren in the spring weather and unresponsive in the summer sun. negativity consumed me so much that there was nowhere to turn for water. i had become toxic to every relationship outside of myself. and nothing inside of me was growing. many times i allude to separation from others to allow yourself to grow. and i believe this. but i also believe that it begins with ourselves first. how beneficial can separation be from others if you are no good to yourself? we cannot water others, or expect them to water us, if we are unable to drink from our own being and pour into others. my environment is a reflection of what i tend to inside of me. my external garden is a mirror of how i tend to my spirit, my mind, my body, my heart. instead of maintaining and keeping a toxic relationship alive with myself i needed to clip the rotting weeds at the root and plant something fruitful instead. with this knowledge, i am able to transfer that energy into the relationships i cultivate and harvest with others. you cannot grow a flower in dead soil, even if the root is grounded in your own soul.