note to self 002.
dear olivia jade,
prayer calms you now. there was a time that the thought of speaking to god was something you would run from. you’d rather entertain the devil in your living room than to make a quick phone call to god. there is a calmness that sits in your bones when you speak the truth that weighs on your heart. there is a presence that surrounds you, that others drink from, when you walk by. it’s a light that is evident. you don’t hide it anymore because you are able to understand its power now. every lie you have ever been told, every lie you have ever told yourself with a thorn under your tongue is no longer valid. breathing now feels like an ongoing conversation with god. — visions become more clear with each exhale and drops of honey linger on your tongue when you speak life onto your situation. lately, you’ve been speaking into mirrors painted with the faces of friends. each syllable of conscious intervention you feed them is a testament to your own growth & a voice that uses your body as a vessel. these words are higher than any language you have ever known. they are reminders that your purpose is something not to be questioned.
through the trials and errors of love reciprocated, you’re learning that you have a little bit more to work on before you can commit to someone again. you are also learning the root causes of your attachment to others versus a true commitment. attachment is a dis-ease that used to convince you that you needed the bare minimum from others to reach a high in yourself. that’s bullshit.
i’m proud of you for recognizing the pain that it causes you when others do not see you as you, but rather a fixated idea crafted from their own egotistical fantasies. bending and breaking yourself to fit inside of those small-minded parameters is not something you exercise anymore. the validation from men is no longer the root of your happiness; you know the loudness of your intuition that exists when lovers try to seduce you with words in silence. stop accepting silent loves, private rendezvous with your heart, and self-seekers in disguise as supporters. stop answering 10 PM calls. stop settling for poor communication. stop believing the black magic of words and making excuses for the science of others’ actions. work on setting the standard — how you treat yourself will teach others how to treat you.
you really need to work on acceptance. continue to work on becoming more rooted in yourself. the deeper the roots, the stronger the foundation. others’ shortcomings (and your own) should not be the reason why thunders of self-deprecation vibrate like fire inside your skin. every. time. the alchemy of acceptance and living in the now will become honey on wounds that you are planting seeds in. remember this.
be kinder to yourself. perfection is the name of a fallen angel. chasing this illusion will be the fire to your own empire. trust the process of your body goals and remember that you have more to offer than a silhouette. than flesh. than temporary ecstasies. your mind is a portal of golden rivers that not everyone can handle submerging themselves into. accept your looks. appreciate what you have. forgive yourself for the mean things you say about yourself. look in the mirror more. trust your process.
write more. write out your vision. write out your goals. write out daily tasks that are goals. write a strategy. write your feelings. write a letter to those you think that have hurt you. write a song. write a letter to yourself. write, Precious. lol. practice actions that will sharpen your vision more every day. you deserve to see god in 20/20 vision.
some days feel like improvisational jazz in your head - there is no distinct rhythm, there is no calculated tempo. these are the days you need to remember. these will be the days that test you and your willingness to push forward. these days with carve you, strengthen you, and inscribe a few tattoos of divine promises. they are permanent. just as your purpose.
“maktub” - it is written.