learning the lesson.
"god breaks the heart over and over again until it remains open."
it felt like a slight mental breakdown. moon in scorpio kicked my ass and left me there to pick up the pieces of my own destruction. it felt like an anxiety attack that came out of the trenches of darkness, but that i knew had been there lingering for a long time. it finally confronted me with a force that swallowed me whole and spit me out.
i am a lover. but i am coming to terms with the face that i am a lover with a lot of pride. (and a lot of other flaws.)
it was overwhelming. again, another situation had blown up in my face and i didn't understand why. it made me wonder:
why do i keep attracting the same situations and/or lovers over and over again? the same energies? the same outcomes?
the answer is:
1. because i don't understand myself enough to know why.
2. i haven't gotten to the root of the cause because i don't understand myself enough.
the people in our lives are mirrors, and they will show you to yourselves. it's our responsibility to pay attention and mend to the rot in our soils, to address what needs to be addressed. i keep attracting the same situations/energies/lovers and REACTING the same way to these situations/energies/lovers because i haven't learned the lesson yet. it was hard to admit this, but i had been putting new wardrobes on different energies/lovers in my life and calling it a different name.
after all of these "changes" and i wondered why i was still feeling the same way after each ending - why i had to work so hard to regain my sense of self-worth (or why it dwindled in the situationship to begin with), why i kept blaming the other person for my pain. all i needed to do was take responsibility for my own actions and address what i was doing wrong so that i can continue to grow.
we will continue to attract the same energy if we do not address the root of the issue. we need to learn the lesson that is being taught by the universe so that we can ascend to the next level in our lives. until we dig dip deep internally and get some soul matter under our nails, we won't be able to understand or fix the external issues at hand. i believe that once we understand ourselves enough, all lessons become blessings, because it begins to add more water to our growth.