the irony is: as i type this blog post out, i am battling myself internally to make a decision that i know is testing my discipline. today is my day off from my part-time job and i made a decision to turn my phone off and get as much done as i could: a few blog posts, a newsletter, and even begin reading this book i've put off since i bought it last year. so far, i've finished two blog posts. after their completion, i allotted 30 minutes to myself to take a break. what did i choose to do?
online window shop.
the day before yesterday (as i type this, the date is 10/6/17) i attended an event hosted by someone who i have been following and truly admire. it was called "Get Paid To Be Yourself: An Interview With Dame Dash". granted, Dame Dash was never my cup of tea because i thought his masculinity was a little too fragile for my own taste, but after this event, my distant respect for the man turned into a full-on "like". most of the dialogue between julian and dame was about how to be an entrepreneur on your own terms and literally get paid to be yourself. to make money off of who i am, my passions, my values that i bring to the table, and what i deliver, is my ultimate end-goal in life. i'm coming for you, Oprah. it was wild. every old-head-Harlem-proverb that was spewing out of Dame's mouth was a mirror for me.
to be honest, i caught glimpse of a slight panic attack on my way to the event. i was on the train, talking to a beautiful and talented friend of mine, and i explained to him that i needed a boost of confidence. as a friend does, he did his part in handing over the looking glass and telling me what to recognize in myself. going to this event, where i knew there'd be plenty of 'successful' creatives, all making money from their own creations, was a stepping stone for me. so many times i've traveled and spent all the money i had to go to events that i deceived myself into thinking would be an investment - "a time to network", i'd tell myself. as outgoing as i am, events that challenge me to step outside of myself and introduce myself as an artist, a writer, a creative, an entrepreneur, scare the shit out of me. i step inside an all-white room with four walls and am meant to hear my own echoes of truth: who am i? what do i want out of life? how am i going to present myself to other people? do i believe in myself enough to portray the highest form of myself that i aspire to become? in the moments that we face ourselves, we find truths in our reflections. the truth is, since conception of my blog a year ago, i've only posted about 20 blog posts. the truth is, i call myself a writer but the fact that i haven't released any books yet, makes me doubt myself. the truth is, when people ask what i do, i am unsure of how to answer based on the way i want them to receive me, because if i told them my whole vision it wouldn't fit into their perception. the truth is, i claim to have an entrepreneurial spirit, but haven't made enough risks to start the business ideas that are sitting in the basement of my mind.
all of these thoughts begin to form a storm inside of me. and then the rain of self-doubt comes. hard. but after my friend said what they said to me to re-affirm me, i took a deep breath and remembered that i wasn't about to allow fear to Goliath over me. sometimes all it takes it moments of deep breaths to remember who the fuck we are. people are afraid of their own breath. people are afraid to breathe deep. it brings us back to ourselves and sometimes we don't want to face the mirror. but i needed to, in order to face everyone else that evening.
the thing i took away the most from that evening was that i am the center, the cause, the reason, for my own success, my own stagnancy, or my own destruction. so often, my bouts of depression come at the hands of thinking about the future and where i thought i'd be by now. but now with the rain of delusion out of the way, i am able to take full responsibility and see that i am the reason for not being where i thought i'd be.
radical growth requires radical changes.
there are so many things i aspire to do, so many titles i aspire to take on, so many people i aspire to lead. in order for me to bring my seeds to fruit(ion), i must change. i must change the way i think, the way i treat myself, the way i talk to myself, the way i hold myself to a standard, the way i discipline myself.
i am learning that in order to ascend to the next level, i must require new actions and new ways of thinking from myself. i can't get to a new location with an old road map. i cannot fix new situations with old tools. i cannot enter into a new room of people with old energy. i am looking to grow radically, abundantly, phenomenally - for the better. the new doors that i choose to break down will require a new version of me in each room of ascension - a radical, abundant and phenomenal version of me that continues to grow with each storm of change, and embraces the rain as water to be fed, instead of water to drown.