"beware of a lover who..": a guide to understanding a toxic partner.
attraction can come packaged in many ways, but we know all sugar isn't good for you. . .
i haven't had my share of 'lovers' per say, but I've definitely had my fair share of failed 'whatarewe?'-ships. getting to know someone on an intimate level- spiritually and emotionally- is a journey in itself. sometimes it blossoms, other times....it just doesn't work out. one thing i've definitely learned through all of these interactions with other partners is that shit ain't always pretty. unfortunately, i've found myself deep in situations where i was extremely unhappy. all. of. the. time. i would be on the phone telling my friends "girl, i'm SO done with his ass! fuck him!" but a text or a phone call later, a half ass sorry and i'm over at the crib netflix & chillin'. but not really chillin'. (cough) it's funny now, yes- but when you're in this sort of situation you don't realize the perpetual cycle you are creating for yourself. the more you forgive him from his faux apologies, the more you keep feeding the toxic meter, the more you find yourself getting upset about everything the individual does, the more you find yourself falling into this fuckboi/(girl) abyss. it's deadly.
if you find yourself constantly making excuses for the limitations of your happiness or the hostage of your smile, i need you to read this. if you find yourself compromising you for the sake of another, i need you to read this. if you find yourself constantly wanting to cut someone off but you don't because of time or fear, i need you to read this. if you find yourself confusing the right to have human flaws and someone who just isn't right for your internal peace, i need you to read this. in cases like this, it's possible that we can simultaneously be the culprit and the victim of the black magic holding us back from our utopias. instead of falling back into the cycle of deceit, i've dressed it up and made it real for ya:
BEWARE of a "lover" who...
- has a quick tongue, a faster trigger finger, and a slow conscience.
one of the biggest tests of a relationship, or of compatibility for that matter, is going through the rain with another human being. in times of critical stress, it's important to surround yourself with people who are supportive, patient, kind, or who have the willingness to want to learn to be these things. dealing with someone who falls under pressure and is quick to cut someone with their tongue, or points the finger in times of stress, is just not a good quality of a partner. why would you want someone who kicks you when you're already down? everything can be orgasms and giggles and stardust until there's a rough patch of some sort, then it's the realization time. because it's in moments of rain where the growth shows its perseverance.
examples of this fuckboi/girl language includes "well if you hadn't of done_____, this wouldn't have happened, would it?"
my advice: steer very clear. very, very clear.
- (whose) number one fault is not acknowledging their faults.
there's beauty in flaw. there's art in imperfection. but dealing with someone who doesn't acknowledge the fact that they have flaws is unbearable. which brings me to my next point...
- unconsciously drinks from Denial river.
...meaning they are perpetually deflecting their actions. i suppose this ties into the first and second bullet of ultimately being that fucking stubborn to take a step outside of yourself and see that there are others in this universe. (this was something i had to learn with a quickness.) it's repulsive to encounter another individual who never sees the wrong in what they do or that, yes, you can hurt others without being unintentional. those mr. unintentional's are the ones you have to watch out for.
- lacks an apologetic tongue.
being a highly-sensitive individual, one of my tests was to learn that not everything requires an apology. some things i just need to get the fuck over. however, i will not tolerate someone who thinks that a kiss on the neck is always going to mend an issue. you aren't that poppin' to make me forget the respect i have for myself. i have the right to be angry and i deserve a partner who will understand the compassion in realizing and taking responsibility for their actions. saying sorry is something we all learned as a toddler. lezzbehonest. dealing with someone who never takes the time to apologize but tries to get in where they (used to) fit in, is a sign of a fraudulent "lover". run.
- fails to communicate.
uh, they have an app for that, you know. a plethora. so there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to find a resolution. communication is key. if you can't hold an open dialogue with your lover and discuss what's on your mind, your goals in life, why you feel a certain type of way, what you both need to work on, etc. it's time to cut it. point blank period. if they're the type to become irritated or annoyed when you are genuinely trying to talk and discuss the state of your relationship, they don't deserve your energy to begin with. quite frankly, one who fails to communicate is disregarding your basic rights to speech, and therefore, disregarding your existence. keep your gold for yourself, boo.
- limits your being.
ask yourself who you were before this situationship with "x". are you happier now? are you full? do you feel like you've grown out of positive, intentional watering? or are you being forced to learn a lesson? is your heart's glass emptying? are you lost in the sauce? when i say someone limits your being, this is what i mean. there have been countless times where i felt like i couldn't be myself around someone, so i was harvesting resentment. ultimately i was saving my full self for someone else. at that point, what is the point? does the person you're with encourage you to be you, or are you finding yourself dimming your light for the sake of their shine, or the shine of the "relationship"? quite frankly, if this person isn't lifting you up on a pedestal, they aren't worth your sacred energy. someone who brings you down constantly is not watering you. toxicity is real, and it will stunt your glo-up. the only person you need to concern yourself with is the person who makes you believe in a second sunrise.
as the great eartha kitt said, "Compromise? Compromise for what? I want to fall in love with myself and have someone share it with me."
footnote: maybe after you read this you sat there like, "okay, liv. this was common sense," or maybe you're going through a situationship with someone where these signs have your balance all the way off. and hopefully this is your WAKETHEHELLUP moment. then i want you to know you aren't alone, and stay tuned for my next blog articles about how to stay sane through a rough relationship and then healing & moving on with your bad self. you deserve it.
header photo credit: Laura Makabresku