denial or delay? (why i stopped comparing myself to others.)

i’ve washed about a thousand silk pillowcases with the same stains of tears, the same thoughts that permeated fabric and nights of solitude.

_ reflection:

another five hours that have passed, still no sign of a new child.
no flower has bloomed in this room.
another five hours and i’m still in this space.
gold seems like distant folklores dancing across the tongues and lips of ancestors that gave birth to lavender and moon rocks.
prayers have bounced across these four walls; silent whispers of need have been painted on the walls of my mind.
they said it takes rain to grow a flower.
they said god is in the rain, but these waters feel like nuclear war on my skin.
the devil waits on me with his Rolex-
and only if i could afford the same amount of time. i crave nothing but to meet the future me in light of smiles, crowned with every dream i’ve ever gave birth to.

delay or denial?
— olivia jade.

 

my impatience needs a little honey. 

confession: i'm an extremely anxious person. (for sake of manifestation and the power of words, i'll say i was an extremely anxious person. i'm working on it, y'all.)

ever since my mother plagued me with christian talk about the end of the world at a young age, i've adopted this demanding subconscious thought and feeling of impending doom. it sounds extremely stupid, but i'm serious. since the age of 10, in the name of white jesus, i have been walking around with a ticking alarm clock on my back. unfortunately, i have adopted Stress and Anxiety as my two fraternal twin daughters. we almost started to look alike.

but, before you exit out of this post because you think i'm about to bash religion or christianity, i'm not. this blog post is not to bash religion or anyone's belief. if anything, this blog post is about faith. shall i proceed?

22 is not old. 22 is the beginning of everything, so they say. i'm an official adult. so why do i feel like i'm constantly in this race against time? when it comes to my goals and ambitions, i have no chill. i have yet to pop a pill that is chill. i want everything to happen on my watch. to be quite honest, sometimes seeing others' success on my timeline makes me cringe. in those quick seconds, i completely detach myself from myself and forget everything that i have accomplished for myself. there have been so many times when i see others around me posting their accomplishments and i become impatient. comparisons begin to ooze out of the corners of my mind. and in that moment of comparing myself to others, all the truth that is inside of me is brushed under a rug and i lose the gold in my crown. in the name of ignorance.  

if you're like (the old) me, you're a victim. you're a victim of your own abuse. you constantly place yourself in the middle of a toxic space- in the middle of your own war, amongst your own thoughts. you overthink, you overanalyze. you judge your own success based off of the common denominator of what you see on social media. you sit online for hours, scrolling through the images of others, putting them on this mental pedestal and write notes to yourself in permanent ink that if you aren't like them that you aren't successful. you write your book of dreams and then you sign it with their signature. you're constantly on the search for their stamp of approval. you take their standardized test and hope that you pass. you lose hours of your own life, living vicariously through theirs. your idea of success is a vision that was bred through their lens.

"they have success, so why don't i?"
"why am i not living the life i envisioned for myself yet?"
 "where are my answered prayers on a silver platter?" 

in this situation, i had to remember that
the universe's delays are not the universe's denials. 
god's delays are not god's denials.    


 

the universe’s delays are not the universe’s denials.
— olivia jade

in a time where i am constantly surrounded by media, instant gratification, and the open doors to lost privacy, it's easy to get lost in others' lives. it's easy to let go of yourself and latch on to others' success. that's so easy. but that's also so lame. i'm tired of not loving myself enough to the point where failure is not an option. i'm tired of staying up late for hours to finish a paper or an article for someone else but not taking the time to do what i need to do to be closer to my success. i no longer want to have the tip of my tongue on the word of culmination. i want to engulf myself in all the riches and intangible wealth that i know i'm destined for. and the first thing i had to do was to immerse myself in the gold of my being and remember that my path is my own, and my time is coming. my time is here. my time is now. regardless of others' (well-deserved) success.  

the universe's delays are not the universe's denials
(and some other dropped gems i picked up along this journey to my own success) :

  • disclaimer: in order for prayers to dance up towards the skies, you have to give them feet. meaning: stop only talking the talk and put.in.fucking.work. 
    balance ( key ) = talk + walk.  
    i believe in the power of the word until the death of me, but i also believe in the power of old fashioned hard work. blood, sweat, and tears as alchemy. all the hours spent scrolling through others' success are minutes that you are not investing in yourself. get off your ass, olivia jade, and do the work. don't you want a lebron james story, too? energy is cyclical. you get what you put in. give no excuse to why you can't achieve something. give your prayers feet. do the work. 
     
  • stop focusing on the goal. 
    this sounds insane, right? but think about it this way: when you focus on the goal too much, you lose sight of your behavior. your behavior is what creates the way to get to this goal, so why neglect it? when you focus on your goal to the point that you ignore your own actions, your chances of getting to that goal are slim to none. we need our peripherals. tunnel vision can sometimes block your blessings during the journey to the destination. "have a mind that's open to everything, and attached to nothing." stop focusing on the goal and focus on what you can tweak or change in your daily routine (actions) to help you get to that goal. (s/o to this TEDTalk.)

     
  • fix ya energy, child. 
    stop side-eyeing the universe. stop making demands of your spirit source. stop bad-mouthing god in moments of idleness. entitlement is not a form of oil. it will not fuel your train to success. it will not hit the gas pedal and give haste to your journey. come correct at others. no one owes anyone anything. humble yourself. be grateful, be present, be here.

     
  • patience.
    don't go and make an idol in idle moments. stop searching for god in earthly things. stop searching for gold where stones lie. everything you need, is within you. instead of making demands of the universe, search deeper within. ask questions when you're lost. silence in misdirection is only going to lead you back to yourself. i found that trusting myself and what's within me is so crucial during times that i felt my prayers weren't being answered. patience is a form of currency when you can't afford time. 

     
  • congratulate others. and mean it. 
    it's such a beautiful thing to see others flourishing. in all honesty, i had to teach myself to do this. i had to push myself to compliment others, to bask in their happiness with them. and you know what? it's so infectious. seeing others happy is such an infectious energy that you have no choice but to be joyful with them. if this isn't you right now, and it might hurt to see others happy when you aren't, fake it 'til you make it. just know that support breeds support. the more you give, the more you receive. think about it. don't hate, congratulate. 

     
  • stop blocking blessings by putting salt on your wounds. 
    open wounds are an opportunity for healing. an opportunity for healing is an opportunity for growth. you need rain to grow a flower. instead of being a salty dirt queen, grow through the pain. going through the pain with misery in your soul makes the process a slow death. allow life to take its course. maintain positivity. like i said, congratulate others. fake it 'til you make it. if you limit your being of love, you limit yourself life. even if you're going through it now you will see in time that the open wound is a place to harvest stories of success. i found that when i gave love that i thought i didn't have during times of spiritual drought and complete emotional despair, i witnessed god in places unseen. my garden grew. my life changed. don't block your blessings by putting salt on your wounds. 

     
  • slow and steady, baby. 
    i don't know about anyone else, but the way i'm looking at these rap dudes hot one day and gone the next, i take so much pride in understanding that slow and steady wins the race. i would constantly talk to my best friend about our journey and why we weren't where we wanted to be, and i feel it's always a battle between spiritual warfare and the physical, tangible "gains" in life. quite frankly, i'm glad it's taking me a little longer than most; i'm gaining this sense of self, emotional intelligence, and spiritual alignment that i won't have to battle with during time of fruition with my big dreams. we see it so much: musicians, artists, actors constantly giving in to demons and warfares within themselves. quick success can breed a lot of internal struggles if you aren't aligned. if you are working on yourself and working on your dreams in the process and you feel things are taking a little long, just remember that longevity is key. no quick schemes. soul water isn't a quick swallow. passion is a slow burn. all else are fickle and temporary forevers. 

     
  • be whole. (a perspective makeover.)
    this whole journey for me didn't begin until i tapped into self-love. a lot of people claim those of us that preach about this sort of thing are "corny" and "hippy" or whateva, but frankly, my dear, i don't give a shit. when you love yourself unapologetically, it comes a thousand times easier to understand your path is meant for you and no one else. it becomes a thousand times easier to trust in the process and to have faith. it comes a thousand times easier to work for what it is you want from life, because your sense of self-worth will be so strong...that the extra stuff are just speed bumps. be whole and recognize your full self. know your ability to do anything you put your mind to when you believe in yourself. we are a reflection of this vast-ass universe. so, the universe's delays are not the universe's denials, because we would never deny ourselves something we want. right? when i trust the universe, i trust myself. it's time to stop comparing myself to others. it's time to keep going. 


    love & light.