diagnose (and change) your inner "messy bitch"

"but she really isn't even that cute, i mean.."

"i heard that she....."

"that ain't even her real hair, girl."

"he a hypebeast. his style came straight outta kanye's closet."

ummmm. we've all heard ALL of this before. in many variations. we know this language. the thorns from under your tongue show themselves so well. the negativity that surrounds it: hate, gossip, whispering, rumors. and the source of it all?

a messy bitch. 

a gender-neutral person who thrives off of negativity and putting others down. i like to call this the dirt queen of haterdome.  he/she is constantly spreading rumors, talking about others in a negative fashion, etc.  in a society where information travels so quick, we might not even find ourselves promoting or engaging in this type of language, so to speak. in a virtual world where the things that catch our attention are physical attributes, money, flashy things, who has the newest this or that, whose weave is laid, who has more followers, who is dating whom, it's so easy to be consumed. it's so easy to compare yourself to others when all you see is flaunting. and with these comparisons, it's easy to lose yourself- projecting negativity, consumed with envy, and doing anything you can to make yourself feel better again. i'm writing this from a place of experience. i've been there. i've been this girl. and i know how ugly it can make one feel on the inside and look on the outside. i wouldn't want you walking around with hate as your lipstick shade. so here's a quick guide to answer the "am I a messy bitch?" question, and how to eradicate the messiness.

Signs you are, indeed, a messy bitch: 

  1. you won't give credit where credit is due.
    i know you catch yourself eyeing homegirl/boy. i know you peep the godliness of them being themselves. why don't you just admit it, and be happy that you can spread love and positivity? yes. her hair is laid. yes. he is an amazing athlete. why are you so salty? [well, we know why. we'll discuss that below.] omg. y'all wouldn't believe how this used to be me. it would hurt me so much to admit that others were pretty. it was repulsive how withdrew i was from reality. if you find yourself holding back a compliment from people for no reason, you're probably a messy bitch. because an unmessy bitch loves to show and give love.
  2. you go out of your way to pick out others' flaws.
    as forementioned, those that cannot find themselves to give others compliments probably partake in this next messybitch characteristic. my biggest one was in regards to nicki minaj. like, i just would not let this woman flourish! every time my friends would be raging about her i'd be so quick to say "but her butt is fake." i was one of those. homegirl is over there glowing on the red carpet but you want to talk about her eyelash is the wrong length. girl bye. get it together. stop focusing on others' flaws and mind your own. remember the golden rule of, hating on others won't make you any prettier? this is scripture. if you find yourself going out of your way to tear others down and bring them on your level, you need to understand that misery loves company. your misery. but that isn't fair to others when they do not deserve your hateful comments and put-downs. it's time for you to hang it up.
  3. drama is your drink of choice.
    this is for all my peeps who don't have style and grace. when you find yourself thriving off of drama and all that concerns it, yes hunty, you are a messy one. when i think of people who love drama i think of those who can't live a day without involving themselves in others' business. mediatakeout, tmz, etc. are all bookmarked in safari and are the first thing you turn to when you wake up. your conversation is consistent with bringing up how soandso got cheated on and who is beefing with who. *cue Kendrick Lamar's "Cut You Off"* drama is your drink of choice because it fuels you. it gets you drunk  and creates an illusion to distract you from your boring life. which brings me to my next point...
  4. you lie to embellish your boring life.
    you lie because you're boring. your life is boring. you have no direction, so you stick your Ponnocchio nose into others'. this might be what i like to call "dipping the acrylic into the pot and stirring." have you ever met someone who just lies for no reason? they told you that their car color was red but it's clearly gray. you're sitting inside of their gray car. why did they tell you it was red? this used to be me. i used to feel the need to hyperbolize everything because i was not doing what i needed to be doing. i was not taking care of myself or my life, so i created a way to actually enjoy the life i was living- i lied. a lot. i realized that this not only makes you look crazy, but it slims the chances of meeting people who are genuine. when you give off a messy energy, you attract others as such. this is when i knew i was messy. which brings me to my next point..
  5. messy birds of a feather flock together. 
    your friends are haters. you do nothing to stop them. you go along with it. you laugh at the bullets falling from their mouths. you're comfortable. congratulations! you're a messy bird, too. whether you like to believe it or not, you are who you surround yourself with. i used to hate people telling me this because "i have my own individuality." tis is true, but when you surround yourself with others who are messy bitches, scammers, liars, chances are you will be viewed as such. it doesn't matter how good of a person you are. it doesn't matter if the flock consists of family members. if you do not separate yourself, you are condoning their actions; therefore, you are silently saying it's okay. which then, you are forging your signature on the permission slip of negativity.


if you read these points and one or more apply, it's time to cash-in those messy points for some great self-love. the first realization of saving yourself from being a dirt queen is understanding and acknowleding your faults. i did this. you can do it, too. being a loving person looks so much better on you.

How to let go of the "messy bitch" inside of us all:

  1. realize that these actions make you look ugly. not one of the aforementioned bullets are a good look. and if you don't see it, imagine others seeing it on you. it's like walking outside in the natural light with make-up that's 3 shades too light. you look crazy. stop walking in your delusion, get off your imaginary high-horse of shade and realize light is more attractive. imagine all of the ties you are severing because of your messiness, or all the good people who took a detour when they saw you coming because of the nasty energy you project. you're blocking blessings by being negative. those that are surrounding you as a messy bitch are probably not your real friends- they either fear you or are messy themselves. realization comes first.
  2. elevation requires separation. 
    during your realization, questions of your freinds should arise. are these people real? are they feeding your messy spirit? do they conduct themselves in the same manner? if so, it's time to let go. you can change all you want, but if you continue to surround yourself in an environment that doesn't water your growth, you will double back. you can't grow a flower in toxic soil. find others that are on the same wavelength as you, who encourage you, who show you the meaning of love and self-love. it'll feel like you're on a first-name basis with god.
  3. forgive yourself. allow others to forgive you.
    okay, you were a liar, a scammer, a fraud. so? it's time to realize the person you are becoming, the person you are now and forgive yourself. laugh back at how ugly you looked. use it as a portrait on the wall, a remind of what you don't want to go back to. if you hurt others, ask for forgiveness. communicate the person you are trying to become. i'm sure they'll agree that this is a better look for you.
  4. find ambition while you bored. get your life together.
    98.9% of the reasons why people megamorth into a messy bitch is because they didn't love themselves. they didn't see the gold inside their soul. so they attacked others who knew about their own. now that you're on a new path, start doing things that make you happy. begin your path to growth. use the people that you used to hate on as a reminder that there is a life outside of being messy. (obviously, you were hating on them for a reason.) try to acquire the sauce that they had. you can't be born with seasoning. *Gucci reference.*
  5. plant a seed of unapologetic self-love inside of you.
    this really goes hand-in-hand with the bullet above. and it's pretty self-explanatory. begin to love yourself for who you are and realize you are unique. no need to hate on others. no need to spread gossip or add to the flames that burns others' names. live for yourself. plant a seed and water it with your actions, your words, your thoughts.
  6. time to project! 
    you better glo' on. nothing warms my heart more than to compliment another person and see them smile. i love to make others happy. i love to fan the falmes of others' purpose in life. projecting the love inside of you only keeps your glow looking good. your internal peace as your external make-up.
  7. teach. preach. keep the love cycle going. eradicate the messiness.
    again, self-explanatory. a lot of the messy bitches we witness today lack a lot of self-love. they don't realize it, but when you know better, you do better. teach them out of love. teach them they don't have to be messy. show them with your projection that they matter. when you show others love, they are that much more inclined to reciprocate it. it keeps the love cycle going.


Inspiration for this post: @joanneprada, Joanne the Scammer.
photo: @joanneprada