it's taken me a long time to write this post. for me, there is always procrastination when it comes down to reaching deep inside myself and cutting old, wilted flowers that have over-stayed their welcome. we as humans find a lot of comfort in things that become familiar; we all have wilted flowers hidden away inside of us. my own wilted flowers became a memoir of dying habits, dying thoughts. i've put those wilted flowers inside of a new vase with fresh water. i suppose this is me transcribing the rebirth.
again, i didn't think i would be in this space at 23. i have a college degree, a shit-load of experience, brains for days, and a knack for resume writing. (so i thought. ha!) how the fuck did i get here then?
i suppose i can give a small head nod to a familiar friend named Rejection.
rejection is something that everyone tip-toes around, silently praying to the gods that they don't awaken this enigmatic monster that seems to evidently exist- everywhere. ironically, this post is not about bashing rejection or telling you how to overcome it in a sense of sweeping the natural, rightful feelings that come with being rejected under your throw rug. rejection brought me here, in this space, for a reason. after some soul searching + findings, and some empowering interpretations, i've realized that the way we perceive and handle rejection says a lot about our character and where we are destined to go.
not to go too deep into my past but enough to reflect, my whole post-college journey thus far has been shaped by a lot of situations where i've found myself being rejected. let's break some down that have led me to this exact moment and my current mindset:
1. my ex-boyfriend and i were rejected for 4 apartments in a row, so i made the mistake of taking out a private loan to cover the costs.
2. every single "big girl" job i applied to back in New York did not hire me. thus, my confidence level dropped. instead of trying to fight, apply for more jobs, or start my own business, i settled for jobs i hated and forgot to see the light at the end of the tunnel. instead, i fell into a deep depression and allowed a darkness to consume me on a daily basis.
3. my past relationship was extremely toxic, to say the least. my feelings of rejection from my ex led to a lot of insecurity and anger within myself, ultimately adding to the fire that burned under our union, burned our bridge, and made me come home to live with my parents.
this all probably sounds extremely melancholy and some woeisme type shit, but here are my empowering interpretations:
number one: i'm still paying off that $5k loan today. it isn't a lot of money, but being unemployed and not being able to pay bills for months on end catches up to you - and your credit. (and to think they call this "adulting".) as unsound as it does sound, i'm grateful for the mistake i made of taking out the loan. being rejected by those landlords was a damn sign that i was not to move in with the person i moved in with; however, it led me to this moment and for that i am grateful. though it's money out of my pocket every month, it is adding building blocks of gold to my character. it's become a scar i've acquired with a story of reflection for growth.
number two: as a form of escapism from the life i was living, i ended up creating this blog. being rejected by the outside world made me go inward and find gold in my solitude. there was creation from the death i felt externally. if i wasn't feeling rejection, who knows where i would be today. probably working for someone else and still extremely miserable. drinkingthesun became a lifeline for me, a suicide hotline, a diary, a choice to live.
number three: moving back across the country was something, deep down, i knew needed to happen. those lonely nights i slept on the couch whilst my ex slept in the bed, i cried myself to sleep telling myself i'd be back in California. the rejection i felt from him and the toxic relationship forced me to latch onto a visual that gave me hope. now, i'm here. in a space where i am loved. creating bonds. kissing the cheek of my highest self. having intimate conversations with god on a daily basis. for this, i am forever grateful.
so, why do i give so much credit to rejection for bringing me to this space? it wasn't until a few weeks ago, when i applied for yet again another "big girl" job at this company called "Book In A Box" or something like that. i saw it as the perfect opportunity. paid, remote, health benefits, whatever. i worked so hard on my resume and cover letter. i practically shit my pants the whole way through the qualifications test they provided. i. prayed up. and. down. b.
i got the email.
"sorry, but, fuck no" was basically the premise of the message.
my heart probably fell into my stomach, did a backflip back up through my throat, and then landed right in my womb. 'hurt' was not the word. for some reason, with this rejection letter came the weight of all past rejection letters. it was one big cataclysmic force that i felt all at once. self-defeating thoughts climbed their slimy hands through the window of my mental and made themselves comfortable in the room of my mind. a few days passed and an emotional funk just hovered above me like an aroma of curry on a thick summer afternoon in NYC.
until, i snapped out of it. a few confirmations from the universe sent through loved ones let me know that my path is different than others'. it's been proven to me time and time again. knowing the truth of your destiny, and the power of the spoken word, aids in healing of open wounds. also, this time, i decided to not let rejection become a black wardrobe over my light this time around. instead of wallowing in the feels or brushing it under the rug, i decided to research rejection. because, when we take the time to explore and dig to the roots, there are findings worth knowing. to embrace my fear of rejection and the pain it caused me made me love it and the art of rejection all the more.
the art of rejection
1. "Rejection is a compass. It teaches you what you don't want, so you can learn what you do." - Cam Adair
point-blank, if i were never rejected i wouldn't be in this position i am now. the journey is sometimes the destination - a conjoining of time and space to pick up soul seeds along the way and the water that grows our mental and spiritual gardens. we are able to take rejection and use it as a vertex to pivot and make moves. because...
2. rejection gives you a choice.
during times of rejection we are usually confronted with two options: fight or flight. are we going to keep pushing, ask questions, and continue to fight? or are we going to wither in defeat, bow our heads, and settle for plan b? rejection provides an opportunity for growth, an opportunity for decision to water ourselves a little bit more. take all of the leading entrepreneurs, moguls, and public figures. rejection does not discriminate. it happens to everyone. it's just up to the individual to make a wise choice - for the sake of their highest self.
3. out of your biggest rejection, comes your biggest sense of direction.
this most recent rejection led me here. when it happened, i was feeling down on myself for a few days until i spoke to a few loved ones and regained some insight. if anything the situation felt like a confirmation from the universe that i am meant for bigger and greater things than working for someone else. (for the sake of comfortability and security.) i see rejection now as moments in our lives where we need that slap-in-the-face to remember the bigger picture. we are being denied because a moment of reflection is needed to look in the mirror and identify ourselves with our highest self again. to not lose sight of what we truly want to become. when i was denied that job, i was able to regain focus and direct myself towards the bigger picture again. rejection allowed me to regain clarity, perspective, and a sense of power.
4. the reaction after a rejection defines our character.
rejection does not define us. do not identify yourself with rejection or allow it to consume you in a way where darkness becomes normalized. it doesn't define you. the moments of action after rejection are what colors our character. resilience is the color of the crown. after the rejection + the discussions i had with my loved ones, i reacted in a way that i took my power back. i spoke to myself in an empowering way: i interpreted the rejection as a stepping stone to push harder for what i TRULY want in life. (which isn't working for someone else for the rest of my life.) i spoke life unto myself and my dreams. i preached to the choir. i wrote this blog post for others to empower themselves.
my rejection led me to this moment. i am now fighting for what i want more than ever. how long are you going to watch others do what you want to do? how long will you allow rejection to define who you are, to limit your being and your potential? what's your turning point?
i pray you choose yourself.
to watch a video i learned a lot of this information from during my journey of embracing rejection, please click below: